Why I Ended My Engagement
If you are afraid ending your engagement will kill you, it won’t.
By that logic, I would have died on Thursday. But here I am, still breathing. Last week I had a fiance, a giant ring, a new home to move into, wedding gifts, and a wedding dress. All I have this week is the wedding dress.
If you want tips on how to end what seems to be a perfectly fine relationship, I have just one word of advice for you: You already know what you need to do.
As Marie Forleo says: Everything is figureoutable.
My heart has known this was coming for the better half of a year but I tried everything in my power to make it work. I had fears and doubts about him and getting married, but I thought staying with him and getting married was the safe thing to do and would make more sense with time. Then I thought changing the date of the first wedding would put me at ease. Maybe signing on a house would calm the jitters?
“It’s hard to tell him, “No” when I want him so bad. But I’ve got to be true to my heart, this time.”
13 months after I said yes, I said no. I am thankful I was true to myself before I had two rings.
They say, ‘When you know, you know’. Unfortunately for your partner, that works both ways. Fortunately for you, you have time to think things over before you walk down the aisle.
I believe in the sanctity of marriage and do not want to enter into a relationship with divorce as a card in my pocket. With that said, many people I know view engagement as the first part of your marriage. They are wrong. Until you have said those vows, there is an exit door (there is still an exit door after marriage but that’s another blog for another day). Finding the door takes courage. Walking through the door takes bravery.
For the holidays I was home in Orlando and able to process in my natural habitat. I always think better on the shore of that lake. Being home calms my soul and silences my anxieties so my soul can speak. Once my mouth utters what it says, the soul sings.
I also find clarity in travel. I wrote this in my phone on my flight back to Doha:
Pebble in my shoe
Like I chose to smash my toe
Fade or explosion
Call me if you know of anyone else who processes in haiku.
While my spirit and heart knew something was off kilter, my physical body knew first. I had family ask me about my twitching foot and dreams of my wedding day turned into anxiously light sleep. If you don’t speak up for your soul, no one else will. You can experience a slow fade of self, or you can cause an explosion for the sake of honesty.
I am not against marriage. I am against marrying someone out of convenience or fear of being alone or because you don’t have another option at the time. As hard as it is, try not to focus on your next relationship. You don’t want to take this hurt into your next tie, whenever that may come. This next season will be about your healing.
Remember: Just because you feel lonely doesn’t mean you are alone. You will feel dead and alive at the same time, but it will not kill you.
I found myself searching for lines in books that weren’t about relationship or lyrics in songs that weren’t about love for guidance about what to do. I was desperate for a sign, but I already knew. I wanted confirmation. I was craving it in every form. I so badly wanted the crowd to tell me that I could walk away. People would say, ‘What you have is perfectly good! Cold feet are common!’ But I had frozen legs.
What I needed was to cut out words like ‘kind of, maybe, sort of’ and cut it straight. If you find yourself asking someone if they approve of your relationship then you need to pause. You need to think long and hard about why you asked and get real with yourself. This is no one’s decision but your own. If you are seeking approval for your actions now then you may not be able to stand by those choices in the future. In those moments when you are alone, you will know.
It’s incredibly painful to end a relationship when nothing is ‘wrong’, per se. My fiance did nothing to hurt me and he certainly didn’t lack in love for me. It was as simple and complicated as a heart uncommitted, a soul not fully there.
Breaking off an engagement is about as permanent as getting married. You have to be positive you are right. Man, is that easier said than done (not that it’s easy to say). But at the end of the day, I knew I would have more peace out of the relationship, maybe wishing I had stayed, than to stay and wish I left. I didn’t want that type of daily dread again.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”
On this side of the breakup, I am proud of myself. It takes so much energy and gusto to act on your heart when the Instagram pictures seem to make more sense for you to stay together. It’s hard to break the image you’ve projected publicly. Throwing away the certainty of being with someone for the certainty of being alone (for now, at least… God willing) is scary, shaky stuff.
Just because calling off the engagement is hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. Just because you love him doesn’t mean you should marry him. The pressure of telling people you aren’t engaged anymore can seem crippling, but, rest assured, they don’t have to live with this decision the rest of their lives. A lost flight is worth far less than your happiness. DO NOT LET DELTA OR AIR BNB DECIDE YOUR FUTURE. I lost thousands of dollars but it was worth it.
If you decide to end it, your time together was not a waste. In the last 13 months I learned more about who I am, what love is, what I want, and what I don’t. That is valuable information that came at a hefty price. Walking away from a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t take your new self with you!
Be prepared to lose friendships over this. Some of your guests may be bitter about the dress they bought or the house they booked or judge you by how you choose to process. You find out who loves you when the news breaks and the messages are either there, or not. If you lose a friend over this, I am willing to bet they wouldn’t have made it very far into your next life chapter anyway.
“All the trauma’s in remission. No, I don’t need permission.”
When everything is said and done, you will still be alive. I have a giant cold sore from crying, but I am breathing. I strategically brought my CD case from high school to Qatar to transport me to simpler times (that has worked like a charm). I feel lighter and more me. The journey was hell but I landed right where I needed to be. Renewing your mind can help your heart heal.
Many parts of me wish he had done something wrong. I so badly wanted a tangible reason to do this. What I now know is my soul speaking is as much of a valid reason as any. I was waiting for a sign when the flag was flapping in my face.
My heart has never hurt so much but I know the pain I caused on Thursday was smaller than every day that I would have waited.
So ladies and gentlemen, my wisdom for you remains the same: You already know.
Don’t be another divorce statistic when you already know the future now. Ending an engagement is more common than you think, but also not common enough.
Read all the books, surf all the blogs, tell yourself loving him is enough, but it will always and only come down to you telling yourself the truth. Take the next step. Clarity will come.
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For more on the fallout from my engagement, read this >>> https://www.leahharding.com/biased/2021/1/26/vine